Motherhood after infertility

This is beautiful:

Waiting for the Moon

My friend called today
tears in her voice
Her period started
and her dreams for a new baby are postponed
yet another month.

I hold my infant to my breast
eager mouth tugging and pulling
little hands patting and stroking.
My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years
did I kneel and weep
pressing my hands to my empty womb
rocking on my heels
pleading with cruel fate
"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears
as I felt my youth slip away
moon after moon
cycle after cycle
month after month
year after long year

My grief was indescribable
unendurable
mourning a child not yet conceived
only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived
but lost in pain and blood and tears.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.
These are the things that defined my young womanhood.
eight years of eternal emptiness
years defined by the Moon
By blood
By hope and by tears.

II

I have not missed those cycles
the moon rising within
the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure
and rather than by a lunar month
I am
defined by nursing
by a small demanding mouth
by the fullness of my breast
by rich sweet milk that drips from me
and flows life and love to my child.

I will not (cannot) forget, though,
the years my womb wept blood tears,
the months the shards
of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision
another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me
I am bound to the Earth, to the small body
of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles
and seeks and heals my tattered soul
and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,
but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman
first published in Midwifery Tod

the next time

My husband wants to save our tax rebate for kid number 2. What he means by this is that he wants to have money saved if we need fertility treatments in the future. This is probably smart considering the amount of money we spent trying to conceive before. What bothers me is that I might have to go that route again- caught up in a vicious cycle of treatments, disappointments, frustration. I hope that next time we just magically get pregnant again because thinking of being back where we were a year ago exhausts me. I'm sure it sounds weird that here I am with a 10 week old and I'm already worried about the next time. I want to not worry about it. I want to be carefree and effortlessly get pregnant. I want to find out I'm pregnant weeks after the fact so that I'm already through the first trimester before I've had a chance to worry. Errr... this is so frustrating! I will never be able to let the past go. Getting pregnant is almost like an obsession.

I hope I don't come across as greedy. I have a beautiful daughter but I'm talking about another. I'm definitely not ready for another. I want to enjoy this time with her and my husband. We are so happy now that she is in our lives. But still, in the back of my mind there is the fear that someday we might be back at the doctor's office, looking at follicles, and suffering through 2 week waits. Somehow, by no one's fault, I already feel pressure to conceive again. I hope that next time (when ever it may be) comes easily. I don't want to revisit the pain of the past.

I'm being sort of guarded and rambling. I want to convey how very much I am in love with my daughter. I feel so grateful that she is in our lives. I suppose what I am trying to get across has nothing to do with her. It has to do with the toll that the infertility takes on a person. I dread the thought of having my life controlled by it again. Unfortunately it became a huge part of my life and is not easily forgotten.

Next time, when we're ready, I hope that we will get pregnant the old fashioned way. And if it happens as a surprise in the meantime, that would be even better. :)

"Plans for birth control"

I had my 6 week follow-up appointment (well, it was 2 weeks ago...I've been meaning to post about it!) One of the things the doctor asked us was what our plans were for birth control. We sort of laughed and said that honestly we had no plans for any since it was so difficult to get pregnant in the first place. He encouraged us to use something for at least 6 months because it may happen more easily since we are not as "stressed" and "anxious" about trying to get pregnant.

I really like my doctor, but I have 2 problems with this.

#1 We can't be those people that can plan when they will get pregnant. I threw that idea out the window a LONG time ago. While it would be nice to say "When the baby is 2 we'll start trying for another one so that they will be about 3 years apart" it is not going to happen like that. We're going to just go ahead and let the sperm swim where they may (oh, come on- 'the cards fall where they may' just didn't have the same OOmpf).

#2 His statement implies that our infertility was our fault. (i.e. the stress was the problem). I don't doubt that the stress didn't help but the last thing I need is to feel that I somehow could have controlled it. I feel like he was making light of what I think was a serious problem. Infertility is not recognized as a legitimate medical problem & that ticks me off. Some doctors don't recognize it, insurance companies ignore it, and people who don't experience just don't get it. I feel that it IS a legitimate medical problem and it is not something the patient can control (nor should they be made to feel that they can)

So anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

PS Is anyone else excited that The Office is going to be back on tonight!!!

Happiness is...

...taking a warm bath with your entire household in the bathroom with you. While I was in the tub hubby & baby came in so that baby could be soothed by the sound of the running water. He left the bathroom door open so then the 2 kitties came in. Hubby was sitting on the (closed) toilet with the baby. One kitty was sitting on the edge of the tub, the other plopped on the bath mat. In that moment I couldn't have felt happier (seriously, this is not sarcasm). I LOVE my family!

Letters from my RE

We sent a birth announcement to our infertility doctors' office. I wanted to say thank you & share the good news of our daughter's birth. After all, they had a large part in helping this dream come true. (although part of me wanted to write in the note "hope we never have to see you again!") Anyway, we received 2 letters in the mail from the doctors congratulating us. That really made me happy. I didn't expect any sort of response, but I thought it was really thoughtful of them to write back. It is nice to know that after all the time we spent together that we did form a sort of partnership towards the goal.

In totally unrelated (but fuuny) news. My cat likes to suck on the breastmilk soaked bibs when the baby is done eating. As sick as it is I find it to be hilarious!

More hopeful, less hateful

I've been playing with my blog today and thinking about its future. I want to continue sharing my thoughts, but also realize that now my thoughts revolve around my new baby and motherhood. I want to be sensitive to those reading that are still struggling to get pregnant. My hope is that people will be happy to hear about my new role as a mother. So, here is a new twist on my old blog- there will still be thoughts on infertility (I will never be free from it) but I will also share a lot more about life as a mom. I hope you'll continue to support me!

*New & Improved: belly cast picture (I finally got around to posting it!)
links to other success stories

She's here!

My baby girl is finally here. On February 16th I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Words cannot express how I feel. For so long I wondered if she would ever be a reality. Now here she is- little and perfect and the love of our lives.