IUI & superstition

*WARNING: This post contains details about artificial insemination. If you'd rather not read about sperm count and my uterus, stop now and wait for tomorrow's post.

I guess I'm a superstitous person. Or at least I feel a lot of pressure for this to work out. Now that we know our options are dwindling everything seems like do or die. I can't imagine how worried I'll be if/when we do IVF.

I went to bed last night anxious about the IUI. I had a dream that 2 people I knew were pregnant. Woke up ticked off that I never dream about me being pregnant (something else I'm superstitious about). Again, more anxiety and then anxiety about being anxious when I should be relaxed. We get there and my hubby produces 17 million swimmers (woo-hoo! I made him give me a high five while I was lying on the examination table. We'll get to that in a minute). We go to do our typical kill time while the lab does sperm washing. When we get back 45 minutes later it was already ready. Not that I think the lab doesn't know what they're doing, but how long did our swimmers just sit there?!?! We get into the doctor's office and doctor, plus nurse, plus someone else (intern?) comes in. In total we have 5 people in the room sharing this "beautiful" moment of conception. The doctor cannot seem to get the tubing into my uterus. It takes four or five tries to get the damn thing in there. Then as soon as the insemination is done he takes the catheder out and with it comes alot of fluid. So I'm thinking "Great, there go half of our swimmers" Still, I'm trying to be positive despite the things I am reading into as bad omens. Well then the doctor says "We'll see you in 2 weeks for your ovary check". They do this after you've started your period and before they put you on a new cycle of drugs. So basically what he was saying to me was "This isn't gonna work. We'll see you when your period begins and you are not pregnant." Nice. When he left the room I was like "What the hell!??!? A simple 'good luck' would have gone over just fine." Of course me being the moody person I am started bawling in the parking lot. My boss told me that when I came into work I looked like I'd been run over. Nice. I just can't take it- something has to work and everything from my dreams to my doctor need to be perfect for me to relax. That will be impossible for the next 2 weeks. Hubby & I have done everything we can this cycle- it is now up to the magical world of science. I'm hoping that out of 17,000,000 swimmers that 1 can get the job done!

Expect a lot of worrisome posts over the next 2 weeks. These are the WORST weeks of an infertile's cycle.