I've been reading "A Few Good Eggs: 2 Chicks Dish about Infertility". I think its adding to my worry because it reminds me how much infertility sucks. I can't fall asleep at night because my head is racing. For example, the other night I read about how no one really knows the long term effects of the drugs on our bodies. This thought has crossed my mind several times but I have tried to push it out. Am I poisoning myself with all of these drugs? Will I end up with ovarian or breast cancer someday because of this? I don't think I would do things differently if I knew the answers because I want children so badly. My husband eased my mind *slightly* by reminding me that everything seems to give people cancer these days.
Then last night I read about the finicial burden of the treatments. I got ticked to hear that some states have mandates that cover treatments and I'm paying 100% out of pocket. Then I started worrying about IVF and the financial stress that will put on us. Again, dear hubby tried to console me by telling me not to worry about the future, try to focus on today. I agree but at the same time, where the hell are we going to come up with $25,000? I hope, hope, hope this treatment works so that we don't put ourselves in debt forever. I would be willing to live on a tight budget to have the family I want, but I don't want my family to fall apart because we are so stressed out by money. It is also really important to me to stay home with our kids. If we're paying off another loan, will that be possible?
So, here I go again- worry, worry, worry. If yesterday I was "slightly calmer", today I am "slightly neurotic". Hopefully the hours of reality tv I plan on watching tonight will soothe my mind...
Tomorrow is the anniversary of learning that we'd lost our baby. I'll weigh in on that tomorrow.
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4 comments:
I can relate. Turning your brain off is such a hard thing to do and I've had many sleepless nights because of it. What your husband said about the drugs made me chuckle - it DOES seem like everything gives you cancer these days...
I wish there was an easy way of turning off your brain too. If anyone comes up with one they would make a fortune.
I have anxiety issues too. I don't sleep because of it and I've been on sleeping pills for years. My husband had the IVF talk yesterday too. I hope we both don't have to go that route.
I finally had to stop reading books because they freaked me out more than they comforted me. They'd mention some condition that causes infertility and/or miscarriage and I'd be on the phone with my doctor, in tears. Yuck!
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