Remembering.

I didn't know how I would feel today. A year ago today we lost our baby. Flashback 1 year: We were going in for an 8 week checkup with our fert. doc. A week before we'd been in and had gotten our first ultrasound picture. We were so happy to get that picture. When we went in for the 8 week checkup the doctor (same one who was so thoughtful for Monday's IUI) says "Ok, there should be a heartbeat around here. And there's not. I'll let you get dressed and then we'll talk." We were shocked. We just stared at each other like "what the heck is going on?" Just as I was naive when I first started TTC, I was naive about miscarriage. I thought surely if we'd had to wait so long God wouldn't take it away from us. How wrong I was. Miscarriage doesn't care if it has taken you years or months to get pregnant. We were totally devastated, crushed, and a many more bad emotions that day. I didn't know how I was ever going to move on. But we did. Here it is a year later and we are still living. A good friend told me that she dealt with her miscarriages by having rings made with their birthstones. I liked that idea and opted for a "conception" stone. I want to thank that friend. You have no idea (well, you've been through it- you do) how much I needed someone who understood to help me through that loss. I had the ring made- a simple white gold band with a tiny aquamarine stone. I like to think that my baby was about the size of that tiny stone. I also had the nickname we'd given the baby engraved inside: Umpadoomp. I have worn that ring ever since and have no intention of taking it off. My mom also made me a beautiful necklace with forget-me-not beads and aquamarine beads. We had a lot of support at that time.

The year has been hard. Shortly after I lost the baby, another friend announced her pregnancy. She was due a month after I was supposed to be. I spent her pregnancy thinking, that's where I would have been if things had worked out. The time leading up to my December due date was painful. My wonderful friend (the one who'd suggested the ring) once again understood, giving me thoughtful cards and homemade baby blankets for the babies she knew I'd have someday. December hurt alot.

I've been quite aware the past few months of where I was a year ago. Right after my husband's birthday last year we found out we were pregnant, on Easter I remember being pregnant. I've also been aware that the "sad day" was coming. I had to look on my old calendar to find the exact date. The day when we were knocked down again. And here it is today. The funny thing, I'm sad but I'm ok. A year later means we haven't forgotten, but we're living. We still have the wonderful support we had a year ago and most importantly we still have each other. I'm at peace with the fact that my little Umpadoomp is in Heaven. When I feel discouraged I picture him cheering me on, saying "Come on mommy, you did it once- I know you can do it again!"

So to my Umpadoomp I say: Thank you little one. You came into our lives for a short time, but we love you so very much. We will continue to love you and will never, ever forget you. I know I will always have a little angel watching over me. Mommy loves you.

To my friends and family: Your love and continued support means so much to J & I. We are SO very blessed to have you in our lives. Thank you for being our strength and comfort. A day like this is sad but it also reminds us of all of the many, many wonderful people that are standing at our sides.

My husband gave me a meditation cd to help cope with the loss. The cd encourages you to think of a happy place with all the love and support you've ever felt surrounding you. I envision myself at Delicate Arch with ALL of you standing around me. Family (alive and deceased), highschool friends, college friends, my neighbor friends, and all the "faceless" friends I've met through this blog.

I lost something very dear to me a year ago, but I know you are all with me, cheering me on and encouraging me to keep fighting.